Though I have to say I’m a bit disappointed, I’m not surprised. I know you know, and I know I’m guilty as well, but you’ve really got to be more careful on the internet.

Since it’s pretty much just you and me here (which is not to imply for a moment that I’m unthankful!), I did want to talk to you about an algorithm I’ve developed to help screen fake profiles using a series of double red flag scenarios, where if anyone you happen to meet has more than one of the following, I have found (through personal experience) reason to be cautious. Not only does it help me exclude fakes, compromised accounts, scammers, spammers, creepers, peepers, sleepers and non-blood relative fans, I mean that’s pretty comprehensive. I apologize, because I often start by saying ‘not only’ because I read somewhere that not only does it decrease long list-containing sentence incompletion fatigue, annoyance and general eye rolling.

As your 100 Days of Beef Stroganoff fan club ever grows in popularity following your last year’s 100 Days of My Handpainted Tea Pots, keep an open mind about keeping a slightly less open mind.

Pick any two or more of the following very much non-rhetorical questions, and if they apply to the same person at the same time, please do not answer the phone on an app that you didn’t even know makes telephone calls and give them your six-digit confirmation code that they are about to send you.

1. Do they appear to participate or advertise that they presume to know how to participate in overtly unironic satan-worshipping practices? This also applies to under 50%-covert satanic practices. I know, I know, this one happened to affect me more than you. But I can hardly blame them, as most of my early subscribership was obtained touting the benefits of an imaginary, almost certainly fifth-dimensional, flying magical snowflake figure casting spells on a snow-covered landscape, bringing inanimate objects to life in order to fight in good vs. evil battles to settle sibling rivalries. I do still recommend deleting your now ex-friend Pentagram Bill’s alleged nephew out of an only slight overabundance of caution because I’m quite certain they live together, based on the black candle live streams that I definitely immediately stopped watching due to a complete lack of morbid curiosity.

2. Does this message remind me of any famous song lyrics? These could just be paraphrased but still have a little ring to them. If so, they might just be too good to be good. Examples may include but are never limited to the following:

“Hello, I love you won’t you tell me your name?

Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

I just called to say I love you

Said I loved you but I lied

It’s a party in the USA

Please forgive me

Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?”

Remember the magazine subscriptions!

3. Is this person unnecessarily attractive? Fine! I know what you’re going to say so well I can almost hear you saying it already. Yes, I’ve admitted freely that I’m the one who almost wired our poor Anastasia (definitely-not-from-the-Ukraine) the money to get out of the war and come stay with me for a while. I still claim she exists as purported but probably wouldn’t have stayed all that long.

4. Is this person ousted African royalty?

5. Is this person claiming to be ousted or demoralized sub-Saharan royalty or sub-royalty of ANY KIND?

We’re all proud of you, Auntie, but please stop telling mom everything. My life is over if she joins the computer world and also has her little hobbies amass a greater presence than my actual career. And yes it’s a career.

That being said, could you bring me something else to eat whenever you get a chance? Comment the choices below.

Always yours,

Not only am I on the 3rd floor balcony

P.S.– I have the teapot with the three tabby kittens staring off into space mesmerized. No, with the green eyes. Please bring the ring light up.